Sometimes I Stare
by Exploded Pen
Summary: A false smile, a shield to hide behind. Only one swear word. One of the crew realises something about their smiles and the others tell whats behind them. COMPLETE
1. Sometimes I stare

~*~Disclaimer=me no own! ~*~ Ok, finished Soldier Past, Soldier Present so I allowed myself the luxury of writing this-don't ask me why but I was inspired after sitting on a bench at school and watching the people go past- there was this one person who was all smiles with her friends but then when she went into the tech block for a split second she looked like the cares of the world were on her shoulders. You'll have to make up your own mind about which character it is~*~  
  
Sometimes I stare.  
  
Sometimes I find myself watching the others.  
  
Sometimes the others talk to men and then I have to smile and talk back. Not a real smile. I plaster a false smile onto my face. It's force of habit now. I can't remember the last time I truly smiled. I've been hiding behind this smile for so long I don't even remember what I used to be like.  
  
Someone once told me: 'If you look happy, you feel happy.'  
  
I look happy, but I don't feel happy.  
  
Sometimes I wonder if the others realise that my smile is fake or that on some nights I can just stare in my mirror and feel like breaking down because no one knows.  
  
Apparently when you do a true smile you get crinkles in the corner of your eyes. I don't think that's right somehow, I've never really seen anybody who's smiling with crinkles in the corner of their eyes.  
  
Everybody seems to enjoy a joke, have a laugh and just smile when they see someone they know. I do that, except my laughter sounds funny to my own ears and my smile is ready made, plastered to my face to give the illusion of happiness. No point burdening others with my problems.  
  
Sometimes though, the dead of night, I long for someone to be there for me. My friends would probably support me at the drop of a hat if I ever needed it. But I lied to them. I lie everytime I smile, everytime I laugh and everytime I say "I'm fine".  
  
Do you know the definition of fine? The Psychological definition anyway. Fine means: 'Fucked up and emotionally insecure.'  
  
That's the gist of it anyway. I wonder if anyone else knows that?  
  
Sometimes I stare and watch people laughing. All of a sudden I'm filled with envy.  
  
Sometimes, on those moments I'm sat by myself in the mess hall, I see people talking and laughing. Sometimes they part ways and one is left on their own eating their food or drinking their coffee. That's when they think no one's looking and their expressions change into tired and worn ones, with all the troubles in the world.  
  
When I saw that I started looking into others eyes when they laughed. Once I saw happiness in their eyes but mostly I saw worry and stress.  
  
I wonder if they're like me, hiding behind false smiles. Laughing when they're in pain, saying they're fine when really they just need someone to tell them everything'll be alright.  
  
Now I realise, everyone has false smiles, the last line of defence before they break down.  
  
Sometimes I stare.  
  
Sometimes I wish, dream and dare to hope,  
  
That someone's staring at me too.  
  
~*~Please review! It really does help!~*~ 


	2. Sometimes I dream

~*~Disclaimer=me no own~*~ Well I said I'd add more chapters to this and now I have!~*~  
  
Sometimes I stare.  
  
Sometimes I wonder.  
  
Sometimes I dream.  
  
Sometimes I dare to think she loves me.  
  
Sometimes I just want to talk.  
  
Sometimes it just hurts.  
  
Sometimes I'm scared.  
  
Sometimes it all seems hopeless.  
  
Sometimes I feel angry.  
  
Sometimes I want to breakdown.  
  
Sometimes I wish I didn't have allergies.  
  
Sometimes I wish I could've been the son my father always dreamed of.  
  
Sometimes I wish people would listen to me.  
  
But then those moments pass, and I realise that I'm me it's all I can be.  
  
But still, sometimes I dare to dream I could be more.  
  
~*~Erm, not sure where this came from. Just be nice people and tell me what ya think. Not sure bout this one.~*~ 


	3. Sometimes I wonder

~*~Disclaimer=me no own~*~For a moment I had no idea what you people were on about when reviewing then I realised it was my fault entirely. Each chapter is a different person, which hopefully will make it clearer. First Chapter was Trip second chapter was Malcolm~*~  
  
Sometimes I stare  
  
Sometimes I wonder if he'll ever notice me.  
  
Sometimes I dream one day he'll grab me in his arms and kiss me.  
  
Sometimes I have to resist the urge to pull faces when I catch him staring.  
  
Sometimes I wonder if he'll notice me even if I danced naked on the table in front of him.  
  
Sometimes I secretly think of ways I can make him blush-he looks so sweet when he blushes!  
  
Sometimes I think I don't deserve to be here.  
  
Sometimes I have nightmares that I'm in a tiny cramped space, all my friends are dead and that I'm completely alone.  
  
Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm always gonna be the friend but never the girl they want.  
  
Sometimes I feel like screaming till my throat bleeds because of some of the things I bottle up. I don't bottle up everything, but some things.....  
  
Sometimes I stare at the smiling people around me and I wonder......what's behind their smiles?  
  
~*~Please review, I know these are short but hell I don't care! Hopefully quality not quantity here.~*~ 


	4. Sometimes I feel

~*~disclaimer=me no own~*~ Another one! Hurray! *Looks around* well don't all swamp me with enthusiasm at once will ya? Heh heh heh, am mad-still! ~*~  
  
Sometimes I stare.  
  
Sometimes I feel like going insane and having no excuse for it afterwards. But I can't do that.  
  
Sometimes I wonder if I should've done things differently.  
  
Sometimes in the dead of night I feel alone.  
  
Sometimes I wish that people could just talk to me properly without holding things back because it's improper. Not many of them shy away from talking to me but when you have to call someone sir it kinda builds barriers between you.  
  
Sometimes I think that the only person who knows everything about me is my dog, now that's depressing.  
  
Sometimes I think that I upset somebody upstairs and now I'm paying the price.  
  
Sometimes I reckon I have the best job in the world, sometimes I reckon I have the worst.  
  
Sometimes I wonder is it all worth it?  
  
Sometimes all I have to do is smile and the world suddenly seems right again.  
  
Sometimes I stare at the smiles plastered on my crew's faces; I wonder what they're hiding-if they're hiding like me.  
  
~*~Um yeah.........please review!~*~ 


	5. Sometimes I ponder

~*~Disclaimer=me no own~*~Ok I know I said I wouldn't update till I finished A Simple Cold.......well, you shouldn't listen to me! Lol. Thanks for all the reviews! And This I'm afraid *sob* is the final chapter and it's written slightly different from the others~*~  
  
At times I have observed the rest of the crew as they go about their daily activities and social gatherings.  
  
One element I have noticed in particular is their, smiles.  
  
Humans appear to smile quite frequently.  
  
However since I have come aboard I have begun to distinguish whether they mean to smile or are using their smiles to cover something up.  
  
It is odd; the others appear not to notice.  
  
In a society that claims to be so free with emotion constantly amazed at Vulcan's for suppressing emotion, they cover up their emotion as well.  
  
Not all the time, but 50% of the time they use these smiles to cover up their true emotion.  
  
It is very hypocritical of them.  
  
In particular Commander Tucker and Captain Archer, who at first took great delight it seems at pointing out the suppressed emotion of Vulcan society, use their smiles to great effect.  
  
Lieutenant Reed is an interesting human. He has excellent control over his emotions-for a human but he too partakes in this exchange of smiles.  
  
No crewmember appears to realise that these smiles are false.  
  
It is logical to conclude therefore that they are too preoccupied to notice these false smiles, their minds always on their own problems while putting up this false front so that others do not know of their pain.  
  
It is highly illogical for surely if they were to conceal their troubles for too long eventually they would surface out of control at a possibly inopportune time.  
  
Perhaps I should recommend that a counsellor be brought on board?  
  
The advantage of being Vulcan is of course, I suppress my emotion. It does not bother me.  
  
But sometimes I ponder, what are they hiding?  
  
~*~Yay! All done! Ya see this was more of T'Pol's observations of the rest of the crew, please review!~*~ 


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